Do You Feel Differfent?

I could not understand that feeling more. Feeling like an alien wherever I go is something I am very familiar with. When I was little I remember I felt different from everyone else. Not only was I bullied in school, got jumped, ate lunch by myself in the bathroom stalls, but literally everywhere I went I felt just.. different. Like I was on a planet I did not come from. People just did not understand me and no matter how kind I was or how good I was, I just never fit in. I did have a small group of friends for a little bit and I cherished them, but even with them I just felt apart. When I was little I felt like I was born to do something big in this lifetime. Of course, at a young age I thought it was being a famous actress in Hollywood, or model, or gymnast, or singer.. and pursuing those talents is the only place I felt like I belong. On Stage is where I was truly happy as every part of me lit up on the inside. 

But after trauma struck and everything shifted in my life to where none of those huge sparkling dreams mattered to me anymore is when I truly felt alone as my dreams and future withered away right in front of me. The only thing I was really sure of, was gone. Suddenly I was suffering in silence, angry, confused, betrayed, devastated, feeling emotions that most adults never feel, and I was feeling them at 10 years old and nobody to talk to about what was happening. Which led to my drug addiction at age 14 where escaping those emotions was all that mattered and all that I cared about. 

After getting sober and pulling myself "back together", I still feel like I don't fit in and I find myself alone a lot of the time. Looking back to when I was a child and how I felt different, to even my adult life, it is something that always just was. I wanted so badly to be like everyone else when I was younger and for a long, long time after. I had that deep desperation to fit in with everyone and be popular and be a part of everything and I had admired those people. You know, the people that seem to just have everything all figured out. The people that fit in everywhere they go, are loved and popular and everyone wants to be just like them. Heck, one of my biggest dreams my whole childhood was to be homecoming queen and prom queen. But by the time I finally started high school I was addicted to meth, and I never even made it to homecoming or prom as I was getting kicked out of school. Even to this day having a full time job, a teenage son, 21 years of sobriety from drugs, my own car and apartment and living a very responsible life.. even though I am living the dream that at one point was only just a dream, I still feel very different every single day of my life. But you know what? The older I am getting the more I am learning that I WANT to be different. I don't want to be like anyone else. 

I have learned that there are squares in this world, (one type of people), and there are circles, (the other type). I like to think of the "circles" people as the majority of the world. They are all alike and do the same things, live the traditional lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, we need circles in the world.. but they are all pretty much the same. But then there are the squares. There are not nearly as many squares in this world and they can sometimes stick out like a sore thumb since they are not like the other circles surrounding them. They are the outcasts and the black sheep. They are wired differently and are creative. Most people don't understand them.

But if you look around in the world, most of the people that have made a difference and done really big, life changing things.. the brilliant legacies.. the Steve Jobs..  were mostly squares. It is the squares in this world that ARE different and we were put on this planet to BE different. We are not like everyone else and that is not only ok, but that is a blessing and we should be embracing it. We are here to make a difference. It would sure be boring in this world if everyone was exactly the same. 

I know that I am here for a reason and I have my own purpose and life work. I feel different because I AM different, 

So go be your quirky, silly, awkward, beautiful/handsome self. As long as we aren't being disrespectful or harming anyone, that is what matters most. Follow the light in your heart, live your life in true authenticity, and don't worry about being like everyone else. Besides, you never know who is looking up to you wishing that they were different.